


Day One: Comfort

by blumen



Series: Kuroken Week 2020 [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Asexuality, Asexuality Spectrum, Canon Compliant, Communication, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Ficlet, Hurt/Comfort, Insecurity, LGBTQ Themes, Light Angst, M/M, One Shot, References to Sex, Romance, Sexuality Crisis, Training Camp, nothing explicit though
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-13
Updated: 2020-04-13
Packaged: 2021-03-01 18:27:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,051
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23631580
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blumen/pseuds/blumen
Summary: Kenma knew sex was normal. He knew that it was an everyday part of life, and that people enjoyed it even. But it never seemed to click for him. It's not that he was completely opposed to the idea of losing his virginity, but he wasn't thrilled either. After listening to the other guys gossip at camp, Kenma wondered whether he was as indifferent to sex as he thought. Maybe he was wrong. Maybe he was broken. Worst of all, maybe Kuroo felt unfulfilled with him. However, Kuroo was there to dispel all of Kenma's anxieties.
Relationships: Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou
Series: Kuroken Week 2020 [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1701172
Comments: 6
Kudos: 107





	Day One: Comfort

**Author's Note:**

> So this is mostly projection but also not entirely bc if I was to properly project this fic would be 100k and basically just be an autobiography. Shout out to my ace spectum folks reading this for comfort like I do with so many aspec fics, let's go!!!!

Frankly, all Kenma wanted to do after his first day of training camp was sleep. He’d ran through more drills than he could count, and even when he was finally allowed to leave, Shouyo had persuaded him to join evening practice, which meant more work, and more leg ache. Kenma trudged to the cabin where they were staying, but being only eight pm, no one wanted to sleep yet. So, instead of luxuriating in his bed and playing video games, he had been forced to socialise. The group he was in were initially playing truth or dare, but it eventually degenerated into comparison of sexual exploits.

“A disabled toilet is not kinky,” one guy argues. Kenma vaguely remembered playing against him earlier that day. His spike was decent but his defence was atrocious. Other than that, he was unremarkable. “Who else can compete against doing it in maths class?”

“I got a hand job in a convenience store once?”

“What time was it?”

“Around ten pm.”

“Hm, a close contender. What aisle was it?”

“Cleaning section.”

The boys laughed.

Kenma wondered when conversations about sex changed from people they’d like to sleep with to actual experiences. He was sixteen, so it wasn’t like he was completely unaware. When he was younger it was easier to pass off his disinterest to late puberty. He was still a virgin, which he didn’t find nearly as embarrassing as his peers, or at all. But he wondered if by now he should at least be interested in losing it. Especially with…

“Kuroo, what’s the weirdest place you’ve done it?” a boy Kenma didn’t know the name of, or care to, asked.

“Wouldn’t know because I’ve never _done it_ ,” Kuroo smiled without a hint of embarrassment. Kenma felt his shoulders loosen slightly, but not completely. He didn’t miss the relief of those with stories a bit too vulgar to be real. Actually, he suspected most of the stories were made up.

“Really? But I thought you and…” the guy pointed between Kenma and Kuroo.

“Maybe I’m not a horny bastard like all of you guys and can wait,” Kuroo teased.

“Whatever, dude,” another guy laughed and punched Kuroo’s shoulder.

Kuroo smiled at Kenma but it wasn’t returned. From the corner of his eye, Kenma noticed Kuroo’s gaze change to a calculating one, and knew they’d be talking about it later. Kenma hoped his immersion into his game was believable enough.

Eventually Kenma was saved by a teacher finally forcing them to go to sleep. Kuroo and Kenma’s mats were by the window, giving them a secluded corner away from everyone else. Usually, Kenma would ignore the bed placed for him and hop straight into Kuroo’s. That night he stayed in his own, turning his back and shutting his eyes without a word.

“Kenma,” Kuroo started, because of course Kuroo wasn’t going to leave things as they were.

“Yeah?” He mumbled in reply.

“Can you look at me, please?”

Kenma sighed, but turned around. Moonlight spilled onto Kuroo, painting his usually dark skin an ethereal white. Kenma probably looked anaemic in that same light.

“Is this about earlier?”

Kenma stared at the floor, answering Kuroo’s question.

“I don’t care that we haven’t done it yet.”

“It’s not that,” Kenma shook his head. “I…I know you don’t mind but, I don’t know,” Kenma hated when this happened: when the words stuck in his throat and nothing he said made sense. “I don’t know if I ever want to have sex.”

Kuroo nodded, and thought for a bit.

“Do you think you might be asexual then?” He prompted, and waited as Kenma mulled it over.

“Maybe? It’s not that I…” Kenma felt his stomach churn. He knew sex was normal - that he shouldn’t be ashamed to talk about it. “It’s not that I don’t…think about it, and sometimes I think it’s something I want, but other times it becomes the most repulsive thing I can imagine.”

Kuroo nodded, encouraging Kenma to continue.

“I keep thinking it’s something I’ll just grow out of, but I’m a teenager, I’m supposed to be crazy with hormones, but I’m just not. But everyone else talks about it like it’s so casual.” Kenma’s eyes felt hot. “It’s like…I’m the only one who can’t be normal.”

Kuroo reached out his arms so he could hold Kenma like he’d wanted to for the whole conversation. Kenma was naturally a withdrawn person, a bit shy sometimes, but so rarely open with his self-doubt and insecurities. It was like coming across an injured stray who needed help but was too scared to accept it. But Kenma wasn’t a stray, he was Kuroo’s boyfriend, and he was going to help him, whatever way he could.

“When have you ever wanted to be normal, kitten?” Kuroo asked, and punctuated it with a kiss to Kenma’s forehead. “It’s okay to be unsure. Just because those guys joke about sex doesn’t mean they don’t have their own issues. Like, what guy is gonna start talking about worrying whether he’s good in bed, or feeling insecure with a partner, when they’re trying to show off?”

“True,” Kenma conceded with a sniffle.

“I’m sure you already know this, but sex isn’t a big deal to me. If it happens, great, and if it doesn’t, that’s also fine. I’m not gonna hold it against you.”

Kenma sighed in relief, not realising he had been worried about that. Logically, he knew Kuroo would respect his boundaries, because of course, it was Kuroo. But, even then, it was still be hard to shut out whispering insecurities.

“You’ve still got so much time to figure it out, and even if you don’t, it’s fine. You don’t owe anyone a label, or an explanation, for who you are, okay?” Kuroo said, gripping Kenma’s shoulders. “Okay?”

“Yes,” Kenma replied, giggling slightly.

“There we go,” Kuroo smiled and Kenma felt a bit better.

They stayed silent for a few moments, just holding each other.

“I wouldn’t change anything about what we have,” Kuroo said with a delicately and sincerity he didn’t usually show.

Kenma felt his throat close, but in a good way, and instead of replying, he gripped Kuroo even tighter as a thank you. He knew what Kuroo meant.

_I love you just as you are._

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading feel free to spam your own sexuality crisis'(ises???) in the comments bc mine has been going on for about five years now and she's still going


End file.
